Are you trying to be a sexy vampire Bioproud native hoosier who's settled permanently in new orleans.Teach english.Live in an old whorehouse with three very talkative and sexually-Confused birds and one very talkative bird that isn't sexually confused at all but just wants what s/he wants, which is pretty much everything and everybody.They appear quite frequently in my writing.Former bedpan wrangler, radio announcer, preschool teacher, and freshman comp.Instructor.Once accidentally picked out a clockwork orange for a make-Out movie.Have a very rational appreciation for the works of flannery o'connor and the television show the x-Files and an irrational fear of meg ryan.January 6th), and culminates on Mardi Gras(French for tuesday the day before ash wednesday and the start of lent.But yours truly, like most people here, starts thinking about her costume as soon as the last of the christmas leftovers are eaten. Now, let me say this right off the bat:I do not like costumes.I not a puritan.I have absolutely no qualms with great heaping displays of flesh Tiffany Rings UK on mardi gras, even on people i really don need to see that much of.What i have a problem with is the endless parade of pirate wenches/ indian maidens/ schoolgirls/ nurses/ teachers/ cowgirls/ policewomen/ cheerleaders/ etc., coupled with the mistaken idea(Common among certain extremely skinny, tattooed, 20-And 30-Something french quarter and marigny gals who wear tight pants, giant-Ass men aviator sunglasses, and either bangs or white-Girl dreadlocks)That such costumes are somehow They are not.They are the clich stock characters of clich porn films.A sexy nun was once subversive, but has become clich through overuse.The disney princesses always were sexy. (Am i the only person who seen annie hall? )A sexy laura bush, a sexy dora the explorer, a sexy prophet mohammed those are subversive costumes. So with that in mind, the first year i lived here, i decided to show them all what a real slutty catholic schoolgirl looked like.I bought a peter pan-Collar blouse from the school uniform section at gator(For non-New orleanians, gator is a ghetto-Located chain of five-And-Dime stores two steps down in price and classiness from family dollar)And buttoned it all the way up.Over this, i put on a 100% polyester french toast brand navy blue school uniform jumper with a slightly-Below knee length pleated skirt.I bought me some white knee socks and held them up with rubber bands for garters.I put on a pair of saddle shoes.I put my hair up in pigtails.I took off my lipstick and jewelry except for the crucifix i wear around my neck.I wore, underneath the extremely voluminous skirt, a contraption made out of a beanbag pillow and pantyhose that convincingly passed for an eight-Months-Along pregnancy. And sO attired, i headed dOwn tO the cOrner Of rOyal and kerelec in the marigny tO jOin the krewe Of st.Anne On their walking parade thrOugh the quarter.PeOple laughed, peOple tOOk pictures, peOple asked if i really was in high schOOl and/Or pregnant peOple said tO me, why didn yOu make it sexy?WOre the pregnant cathOlic schOOlgirl cOstume with variOus additiOns(A lit cigarette, a bOna-Fide unifOrm patch frOm my mOther alma mater, the immaculate cOnceptiOn academy, a silver flask with a crOss On it i fOund fOr five bucks in the french market, filled with jack daniel and imprOvements tO the suppOrt system fOr the fOr fOur cOnsecutive mardi gras, then grew tired Of it.It was time fOr a change, time fOr a cOstume that wOuldn kill my back by the end Of the day, time fOr a cOstume that wOuld make it easy tO use a pOrt-O-Potty. So last year, i was vampire audrey hepburn.My inspirations for this were many.One, everybody(Or so i thought)Recognizes the breakfast at tiffany look.I mean, it iconic.There are posters of it for sale in every blockbuster and target.The cover of the 501 must-See movies book on sale at borders shows audrey as holly golightly.A search on google images for hepburn turns up a photo of paris fucking hilton in a beehive, tiara, pearls, long gloves, little black dress, and cigarette holder. Two, even though i haven had her figure since i was ten years old(Audrey hepburn and i are the same height--5 I have 30 pounds and four bra sizes on her), we have the same basic skin, hair, and eye coloring. Three, mom has been trying to get a picture of me in an evening gown since i was in high school.It a continuation of her lifelong ill-Fated attempts to play dress up with me, most notably and disastarously at my first communion. (But that a story for another blog. )Even though i never attended the prom or winter formal in high school, even though i been out of high school for ten years, she continues to buy me fancy dresses at rummage sales and thrift stores, case you need them someday. (Once, when i was living in appalachia, she tried to buy me a wedding dress.A maternity wedding dress.But again, that a story for another blog. )I figured that she have something suitable stashed away somewhere. Four, i was talking with my little brother about halloween costumes, and he said that some year he wanted to dress as a werewolf, not a bloody, nasty, lumberjack-Looking werewolf.A suave werewolf.A werewolf in a tuxedo.A cary grant werewolf. And five, if mardi gras is all about satire and turning people expectations on their heads, what, really, is more subversive than making the 20th century icon of sweet, innocent femininity into an evil bloodthirsty immortal creature of the night? So i called mom to inquire about an early-60s black boatneck cocktail dress that might do the job.She had three for me to pick from, as well as a dracula cape, also picked up at a rummage sale on the grounds of might need it someday.I borrowed long black gloves from my boss wife.I bought a tiara and low-Heeled black pumps at a dance supply store, a pair of knock-Off tortoiseshell wayfarers and a knock-Off chanel chain-Handled evening bag in the french market, a cigarette holder and a pair of theatrical fangs at a costume place uptown, and raided my dead grandma jewelry box for rhinestones and pearls. A few weeks befOre mardi gras, i cOnducted a little dress rehearsal.NOw, here hOw i fOund Out that my vintage cOcktail dress really was vintage--I weigh 135 lbs, have a 31 waist, and the dress pinched and bulged mOst unattractively arOund the middle even thOugh the tag said 16.Ok back then wOre certain fOundatiOn garments as a matter Of cOurse, and the dress was cut with that in mind.Out came the girdle tO end all girdles, an eight-HOOked rubber and whalebOne cOntraptiOn stOlen frOm my dead grandma underwear drawer fOr precisely such OccasiOns. (SO much fOr using pOrt-O-Potties easily. )I took off the dress, put on the girdle, and put the dress back on. (It fit perfectly, but the boyfriend--Who was pissed that i was spending time in front of the mirror instead of listening to him play guitar solos--Got upset because he want a girlfriend who needed to wear a girdle. Next up was the teeth.These were two little hard plastic caps that needed to be filled with a foul-Smelling resin, held in place over my own teeth for twenty minutes, then gently wiggled off, giving me a set of realistic-Looking, custom-Fit vampire chompers that would last for decades, could be popped on and off my teeth at will but would stay on through ordinary conversation, and wouldn make me drool all over myself like the cheap rubber fangs they sell in the costume section at walgreens. (The back of the package warned me against wearing these fangs while eating, drinking, sleeping, taking drugs, or performing oral sex, but i found that if i was careful, i could drink with them in.I didn road test the other prohibitions. ) All right, i had the dress and accessories down.Now it was time for hair and makeup.I was sort of out of my league here.My hair is one length and halfway down my back and it usually in a bun or ponytail because those are the only styles it and i can agree on.I don even own a blow dryer.I shampoo it, i condition it, i comb it, and once every six months or so i go to the beauty college out in metairie and pay them 15 bucks to chop the dead ends off.As for makeup, i wear lipstick.Red lipstick.And that only been within the past five years and because i discovered it distracts from the black hair growing on my upper lip, meaning i don have to rip it off with those nair wax strips quite so often.Before that, my makeup box contained chapstick. But when people think of audrey hepburn, they think of the beehive and the cat eyeliner and the miles of black eyelashes.So, it was online to youtube, where some australian lady demonstrated how to re-Create the breakfast at tiffany look in the comfort of my own bathroom, and it was off to walgreens to buy a million hairpins, a 3-Pack of invisible hairnets, a can of maximum-Strength aquanet, brown eyeshadow, black eyeliner, black mascara, pale pink lip gloss, and an eyelash curler. My hair is thick, coarse, and curly, but i found that i could actually put it in the french twist at the back of my head and it would stay put, and i could create the teased beehive-Like bun on the top of my head and it would stay put, but doing Buy Cheap Tiffany Rings UK both at the same time would necessitate having six hands and a different head of hair.So i ended up going with the bun(Coated in a half a can of hairspray and with a hairnet pulled tight over it), as it held the tiara in place better. And then there was the matter of the eyes.The audrey hepburn eyes.For those of you who study and/or write formal poetry, this is the makeup equivalent of iambic pentameter--Pardoxically both extremely stylized and obviously fake yet simultaneously natural looking and seemingly effortless.And both apparently take eons to master.Thirteen tries, five accidental stabs to the cornea with a mascara brush, and one trip to walgreens to buy eye makeup remover while looking like Tiffany Rings Sale a hungover amy winehouse later, i had it down well enough to give it up until mardi gras morning. And so dolled up in my pumps and girdle and beehive and eyeliner and eyshadow and mascara and sunglasses and gloves and pearls and rhinestones and tiara and cigarette holder and little black dress and cape and fangs, i ventured out into the maddening crowd.Heads turned.People laughed.My boss(A professional photographer)Took a picture that i sent to my mother so she could finally possess a snapshot of me in formal wear. (She loved it, and decided to ignore the cape and fangs and take what she could get. ) And all the extremely skinny, tattooed, bang-Or white-Girl-Dreadlock-Coiffured sexy pirate wenches/ indian maidens/ schoolgirls/ nurses/ teachers/ cowgirls/ policewomen/ cheerleaders, all the french quarter and marginy gals whom the other 365 days of the year form the female half of the contingent addressed by my you not a filmmaker, you a waiter t-Shirt, all of them looked at me in confusion and asked, You trying to be a sexy vampire?This year, i think i just be lolita.I mean, it obviously what everybody expects me to be anyway.I already own a pair of saddle shoes, some short shorts, and a halter top, and i can get some heart-Shaped sunglasses and lollipops for a buck at the family dollar on elysian fields.And i have enough pretentiously literary skeeveball male friends that i can con one of them into escorting me around as a believable humbert humbert.Sure, no one will get it, but i know.

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